Diagnoses and Acceptance

Diagnosis and Acceptance

Next thing was getting Emma assessed by the Multidisciplinary Team in our area. The team consisted of an Occupational Therapist (OT), Psychologist and a Physiotherapist. Emma was also meant to start seeing a Speech and Language Therapist (SLT) but she was out on maternity leave. We started seeing them in June, Pawel, Emma and myself went to see them for the first time. They explained what they were going to do in each meeting and made us feel at ease about the meeting. One person would interact with Emma individually and the others would ask us questions about Emma then they would swap around. The meeting went by very fast and we were then booked in for another. They also wanted to see Emma and us for OT and Physiotherapy for treatment.

We had three to four meetings with them over the space of a few months. They did a visit with Emma’s preschool at the time to see how she was there. By March we had gotten an appointment to see them and to hear their verdict on whether Emma has Autism or not.

Those nine months were the longest of my life because I constantly second guessed myself. In my gut I knew Emma has Autism but my mind would make me doubt that. For instance when Emma would learn a new skill that “Normal” children could do, I would think maybe she doesn’t have Autism. Then Emma would start stimming, walking on her tippy toes or not play with the children around her and I would think she definitely has Autism.

For me, I went back and forth all the time. It was the not knowing that was the hardest. I knew once the team said “Yes, she has Autism” that I would be able to get her the help she needed. The fear that they would say “No, she doesn’t have Autism” was huge. I would lie awake for hours thinking what if they say “She hasn’t got Autism” what am I going to do then? How am I supposed to help her if I can’t understand her and why she does certain things?

The day of the appointment I was a nerves wreck. They called us into a room and started talking about all the great things about Emma like how happy she is all the time. Then they started pointing out the areas Emma was having trouble with. They then told us that they were diagnosing Emma with Autism. They explained our options for preschool, primary school and they recommended an ASD unit for Emma in both. They went through the payments and supports we could apply for now. Finally they made arrangements to continue seeing Emma individually and we left with a pile of leaflets to help us.

The meeting was a bit of a blur after hearing that they were diagnosing Emma with Autism. I remember feeling relieved, I was so happy to know I wasn’t mad for thinking something was different about my child. I was happy that Emma would be able to get all the help she needed now.

At the same time I started to see the life we had pictured for Emma slowing fading away and a new one form in front of my eyes. Will Emma ever learn to speak? Will Emma ever learn to read and write? Will Emma ever have friends? Will Emma ever be able to say “I love you mom”? Will she do her leaving Cert? Will she go to college? Will she be able to live by herself? Will she be happy? All the things that as a parent we hope will happen and sometimes take for granted, might never happen for Emma.

That was a hard thing to come to terms with; the life we had envisioned for her was gone. We didn’t know what tomorrow would hold for Emma. We now had to live one day at a time, one goal and achievement at a time. We also knew how hard it would be to get Emma things that she needed like a place in an ASD preschool or primary school. We might have to fight for her.

Once we accepted that we could see the blessing it was. Now we got to appreciate the little things in Emma’s journey. The first time she could say her name, the first time she was able to name the object in front of her, the first time she said “I love you mom”, the first time she told me how her day in school was. These were all things that brought me to my knees with pride and happiness. Emma has showed us how to appreciate all the little achievements in life and she surprises us every day.

Thank you Emma, we love you.